the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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