she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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