the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We named our party play list daddy issues
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
