The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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