I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize