dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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