I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
