I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
