I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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