Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
