if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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