my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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