I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
