I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
