opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
