some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
