He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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