Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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