the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
