there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
