Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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