If i come over, it means nothing
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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