he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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