I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
