i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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