Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
