Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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