And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
