from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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