my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
