Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Randomize
