I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
