god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
