Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
