Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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