i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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