Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
