I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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