I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
