Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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