Only a mothe r could love this liver
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
