96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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