I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
