My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
