Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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