Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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