I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
