i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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