I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
