I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
