Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
