I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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