If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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