one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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