dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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