wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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