Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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