: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
