Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
