you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
