I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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