My room smells like vodka and shame
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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